Jessie

(Warning: Expect this excerpt to be considerably larger then the others.)

Ah, I could never close on this girl.

There was once a time in my life where I thought this girl was it for me. Perhaps I was young and naive to the notions of love, but in my heart I felt that my journey had ended. I first met Jessica when I was young, but she was really young. There was an age gap, but I always enjoyed her company.

As time went on, I got to witness her grow up from a cute kid to a beautiful women. I have known her for so long i do not even know where to begin this story.

I could say I have always liked Jessie, and that would not be a lie. She was my best friend's niece and every time I got the new that she was visiting him, I had to make it over there. I think after awhile the family got the idea that I liked her.

If there is one memory I hold dear it was the first time I really noticed her. The term Quince was not the most common word in my mind, but I knew of them. Quinces are the Spanish equivalent of a girl's sweet sixteen coming of age party except it is held around the girl's fifteenth birthday. Hence, the name "Quince." (Quince is Spanish for fifteen for all you non-Spanish speaking readers out there!)
I was still young in my relationship with Gonzalo's family and the church family as well. I was just a random boy that had gone to a few Sunday sermons. I was an outsider, and unknown bystander, and yet I was granted permission to go to my very first quince. Well, actually I was around during the quince practices, but I did not know how to dance at the time. I tried to cover it up, but I had never danced before in my life. I had never gone to a school dance, and I was too young for clubs too. My cousin had a quince, but for some reason I was not allowed to go. It was a girl named Rachel's quince that eventually became the first of many that I was subsequently go to.

Needless to say I was severely under dressed. All of my friends were dancing in the quince, so they were all in suits while all the girls were in formal dresses. I tell ya, these quinces are like mini weddings. They are rather big deals in the Spanish community and I was not informed. The quince came and went, and after the show came the after party. Yikes was I nervous at the time. I looked out of place and I could not dance. I did not know what to do.

And then an angel saved me.

Jessie must have seen my timidness, but that did not stop her from grabbing me and forcing me onto the dance floor. There, we shared our first dance. I doubt I was any good, but it was memorable. Suavamente, by Elvis Crespo, I remember it like it was yesterday. We might have danced once or twice more. I did not even bother with all the crazy dances my friends were doing. I had known and seen Jessie before. She was always a cute girl in my eyes, but after that day I was hooked.

I tried to hide it. I even accidentally told Danny that I liked her one day after church. At the time I did not realize how big of a mouth Danny had, but when he tried to confirm which Jessie I liked I pointed to a different girl and then the rumor spread that I liked a different girl named Jessie at the church. At the time I was fine with that. It was a good cover up, even though certain people tried to get me to hook up with the other Jessie all the time after that. I did not mind. As long as they did not know who I really cared about.

I would see Jessie almost every time she visited. My trips to Miami during the stopped soon afterwards. Before I did not mind going over there for three months, but after Jessie, I could not stay that far away from her for so long. I just needed my fix. It was funny because she lived in Miami normally, but there was no way for me to see her when we were both there unless I went and stayed with them along with Gonzalo. Besides, she went to Tampa for the summer which is why I did not want to be stuck in Miami for the entire summer.

So I started spending my summers in Tampa, and more importantly around Gonzalo's family. True enough, I enjoyed my friend's company and I did not only hang around for hints as to when Jessie was coming to town, but I did like to get a heads up. The best part about it was that I could tell she liked me too. The two of us got along very well. It started to become very noticeable.

I remember one time being dragged along to a basketball team one summer. Sergio, Gonzalo's brother in law the our coach and we had a pretty bad team. Plus our jerseys smelled like shrimp and none of us were too good. The only redeeming thing I can remember about that entire event was that I once made a basket and as proud as i was to score some points, I heard some cheering from up top. It made my day to see Jessica up there with a wide grin cheering me on. That made my day. She was what I wanted in a life partner.

It's a shame I never knew how to handle the situation.

She was still young. Too young for me to approach at the time. I knew my boundaries. Plus, she was my best friend's niece and I knew he was not going to like the fact that I had feelings for her.

Time went on, and my feelings for her never wavered. The other girl named Jessie realized that I wasn't interested despite some of the church members best attempts to get us to talk. That detour had been crossed, and now I was starting to run out of ways to hide how I felt with white lies. Sooner or later everyone would know.

I recall one outing where a big group of us went to the local bowling alley. Everyone was there including Jessie. I remember getting especially close with her during some of the songs that were being played overhead. Nothing too intense, just sharing some moments together, talking, laughing, mocking my singing and dance routines. The usual Ryan shenanigans I did back in the day. Though it seemed my actions finally got the attention I did not desire.

Gonzalo and I left together that night. I do not remember why, but we left early if I recall. The ride was quiet. His one message to me was simple and clear. Not to mess with Jessie. He did not approve, or he just did not see it as a plausible relationship. Whether he was right or not, this warning stayed with me for a prolonged time in my life. It was clear my best friend was against me and Jessie ever being together.

Still, my feelings lingered. Despite Gonzalo's warning, I did not change much about how I went about seeing and talking with Jessie. We even started to become dance partners so to speak. The quinces kept rolling in and with everyone that she attended I was always happy and eager to get as many dances with her as I could. To me, she was the best partner I ever had. We were even each others date in one or two of the quinces.

There was just one things wrong with all of this. Okay, there were multiple things wrong with this situation, but one things loomed over my head like dark cloud. Despite my deep passionate feelings for this girl, despite my inclination, despite my beliefs, Jessie had never gone out and told me that she had ever felt the same.

I should have confronted her about the possibility of us ever becoming a couple. I wanted to, but I did not know how to approach the subject. This started to become a long standing problem with me and other girls. In high school I never pursued any girls even if they seemed interested because I was waiting for Jessie to come of age so to speak. I know for a fact that I ruined a couple possible relationships in the process. Those girls meant nothing to me compared to Jessie. It was obvious she was at the top of the food chain and everyone else was left at the bottom rung of the ladder. Actually there was not even any competition. She reigned supreme.

That was my fault. I committed to something I was not even sure of. Be sure that this ideology bit me in the tuckus many-a-times.

Let's fast forward a bit, shall we? Colombian parties were all the rage at the time and my friends and I were having one great time at one of them. We were having a blast until we received news that my dad's dog, Diablo (Devil) had just died a couple of minutes ago. It turned our celebration into depression. My brother left to deal with the dog. My dad unleashed his anguish the wrong way as usual. he was drunk and tried to pick fights with his friends. me on the other hand, I dealt with it the only way I could at the time. I did not cry, I did not weep or bitch or moan at the loss, I just drank, and drink I did.

I drank a whole bottle of Smirnoff green apple during all of the other turmoil going on, and right next to me was Jessie trying to comfort and console me. I tell you I got a good vibe from her that night, but my mind was in another world. My friends dropped me off home and I received one of the biggest surprises of my life.

I was getting ready for bed when I got an instant message from Jessie. This was as rare as it comes especially considering we just saw each other earlier that night.

It was the message I was waiting forever for.

She confessed her love for me that night. I sobered up like the quickness during this conversation. This was the girl hat I had been head over heels in love with for most of my life. From middle school through college this girl was always the one I prayed would return my feelings of affection and it had finally occurred. We talked for what seemed like an eternity on the computer. She expressed the same concerns I had. That she lived far away and she was scared about how and if it would work out between us.

But she had given me the greatest news I had ever experienced up until that point. we ended the conversation with both of us telling each other, "I love you." I was elated. It was about to happen. Things were finally going to go my way. I was loved!

...

Things never seem to go the way you envision them to go in this game we call life. After that chance encounter with Jessie on the Internet I was invincible. I was happy, I was confident, I had no worries. Life was good. The girl of my dreams finally confessed to me her true feelings and I figured it would only be a matter of time until we joined together as a couple. The future looked good.

It never panned out.

I went to Miami shortly after Jessie revealed her true feelings. I even went out of my way and my families way just to go over and spend time with her while I was down there. My cousin dropped me off and we went to go watch a movie. We saw Coach Carter if anyone cares. Jessie went to go pick up one of her friends as well. I thought that a bit strange, but it did not bother me much.

At the movie I was pretty nervous. I figured this to be a date, our first real date. But Jessie had met up with a bunch of her friends who I never met and I felt like an outsider, not to mention we had one extra person in her car so had no opportune moments to make a move. In the end, maybe I should have kissed her, but I felt awkward in my approach and it never happened. Perhaps that was my downfall right there.

Soon after that short lived date, the bad news started to trickle in. Jessie was still in Miami going to college there. I did not get to see her again for quite some time, but when I did see her it was too late. She had a boyfriend. I was too late again. I wasted an opportunity to attempt to kiss her and I missed my chance. The worst thing of it all was that I felt miserable because I kept going back to that instant message I saved. Her, "I love you," mocked me after every read. You could say this was one of the most depressing times of my life.

It was hard, but I had to forget about her. I could not wait for Jessie to be ready for me. She did not wait for me, so why should I wait for her, I was tired of waiting. I had to get her out of my mind and reassure myself that she was not the one. It was a hard sell.

Time heals all wounds, even emotional ones. In time I got over this girl, but she was never forgotten. Jessie is still a good friend. No matter who we are with, the two of us share emotional bond, and I am glad she is in my life to a degree.